When human relationships are full of shit and beautiful all at the same time

With one of my favorite sistahs at CYC, Khara Perkins

Recently I’ve had to deal with a situation beyond my control, a situation that involved thoughts, words, actions, perspectives that I really didn’t agree with and that felt completely unacceptable FOR ME. 

Such a process usually involves...

...the initial shock or pain or hurt or disbelief or lack of understanding 

...a desperate attempt to hold on to what YOU think is the right thing, accompanied by a forceful/desperate attempt to change the outcome of the situation so that it aligns with your desires

...then a realization that you in fact have no control over what other people think, say and do and that you can do nothing about it and all the emotions and feelings of powerlessness and valuelessness that accompanies

...then a complete letting go and surrendering

...then, when the time is right, a re-analysis of the situation with new found clarity  

...and thus a rebirth into a new way of thinking and being after the death process when that old paradigm ends

And of course everything in between!!!

One of the “in betweens” for me was a complete distrust of human beings and lack of faith in the value of relationships. But for a tender heart like mine this perspective could not have lasted very long. Even when I really didn’t want to, I still saw so much beauty and felt so much joy in human connection and relationships. 

So how was I to hold both perspectives? That human relationships are both shit and nothing and pointless if we all just do what the fuck we want to do anyway AND that human relationships are everything and all that even matters, bursting with love and joy and support and opportunities for growth??

Its because this is what they are, what we are. They are Both. We are Both. If another human being has the capacity to think, say or do something, no matter how horrific it seems, it means I also have that capacity. Truly. That also means that if I have the ability to love and support and consider other people in my decisions, all other human beings also have that ability, even if their words or actions don’t speak that language to me at that given moment. 

So what do we do with this duality in the practical sense? For me it means meeting everyone where they are at and meeting myself where I am at and understanding where those two places intersect and where they don’t in each moment. So firstly, if I am presented with an aspect of that duality in someone, it means I need to experience this for my growth in this moment. Sucks, but it can’t be any other way. But after I do the work with that lesson and process whatever version of death and rebirth that I allow myself to go through, I can then CHOSE what aspect of the person’s dual nature I would like to align myself with and which one’s I absolutely don’t. And this choice can be big and bold, or it can graceful and subtle (in my experience we get to the graceful part only after being completely emotional and disgraceful lol!). It can be an energetic shift that acknowledges the humanness in this person, that honors their process, that meets them with the same love and gratitude we also desire, but that such a shift also makes it clear (to them, to the universe) that it does not align with those other choices at the moment, the other aspects of the duality. I believe this energetic shift will necessarily create a situation where these people either phase out of your life more effortlessly (which I think can be an active or more passive process), or the current situation or relationship begins to align more in favor with your desires, however that may look or however it may change the nature of the relationship (which was clearly begging for some kind of change anyway for it to get to that point). 

Life is easy when we trod a solo path toward spiritual enlightenment. But I believe the true test of growth and overstanding is when we are in relationships. So running away and shutting down is the easy part. Living through it and with it is the good, messy stuff where we really get to test the boundaries of our human condition. 

The journey continues...