Lets talk about FAILURE!
Ok family.... you’re either going to have to chose to open your ears wide or close them tight tight... because today we are talking about FAILURE. Because I dont fail very often, and when I do it crushes me. So lets unpack this together....
Photo credit: Sabriya Simon
This week I failed my first exam since coming to Bastyr. Coupled with other big stressors simultaneously (as it always happens) I was (am) devastated. Firstly, it came a little by surprise because it was one of the easier classes I’m taking (and the harder ones did fine on...wierd). But most importantly, failing at school simply does not make sense to my EGO.
The ego is based on:
- The story it tells itself, and
- how well that story is validated by the perception of others.
If we take our awareness outside of the present moment, our life is really just a story. Think about it on a very basic level... our past only exist in our memory...a story we create from fragmented thoughts and pictures. Isn’t this a scary concept? That means that our story DOESN’T ACTUALLY EXIST!! Yet it governs our decisions, actions, feelings and thoughts we project into the future.
Our sense of failure arises when something pokes a hole in that story: “I am a good student. I have to be a good student to be a good teacher and doctor. I have to get good grades to get scholarships, to get recognition by my professors, to get my degree, to get a job, to be a good teacher and doctor”. Failing an exam has absolutely no space here!!! So my story is no longer true, my ego has a panic attack and I lose my sense of worth, confidence and purpose - thats the #1: the story the ego tells itself.
But you know what I realized in this process... I can work through this #1... I have some beautiful souls around me that counsel and guide me through the dark periods of self growth. And my time of reflection on my yoga mat, in my sanctum, and in my bed can help me regain my sense of purpose and Self as I get a little closer to the essence of life, the connection to the Divine and the Love that I truly AM.
So you know what the real crusher is for me the... #2!!! how well that story is validated by the perception of others. WHICH IS WHY I WRITE TO YOU TODAY!
Guys we torture ourselves with the story of our lives that we need people to believe in order to feel worthy. How we really get hurt and crushed is by the MASK of a story we perpetuate even when its no longer true. But the really good news is that there is one simply solution: honestly and authenticity. So this blog is as much for me as it is for you. So that my story can become more congruent to my actual reality so that I am less fragmented, and more whole. More aligned with Truth and not Illusion.
The BIGGEST lesson I am learning is that...yes we hear it all the time.... but really.... FAILURE IS THE ONLY WAY TO REALLY AND TRULY LEARN a lesson.
This is how I think of it (because I have a 6 year old :))...
Imagine you were building a 100 story tower made of blocks. When you are done the top of the building collapses...floor 50-100. So you start building again from floor 50, only for the building to topple over again when you get to floor 80. You start building again from floor 80 and the same things happens....this would be your half way failures that seem to repeat themselves over and over in your life.
THEN, on the fifth round of re-building the top of that tower the entire building crumbles. Floor 1-100. You are frustrated, tired and you don’t understand why. You say you are a really bad tower builder and you really want to give up. BUT YOU DONT (keeeeyyy to learning this lesson!). You sit with the blocks and analyze your building strategy and begin to build the blocks in a whole new orientation. You place the blocks down more carefully, you stop rushing, you prepare for each subsequent move. The tower is complete... sturdy and beautiful.
You move on to building another tower.
Get the picture? I will go as far as to argue that you cannot fully learn a lesson unless you fail first. Sure, you can learn mini-lessons along the way, and sometimes we can learn from others’ mistakes. But really, what failure is our most complete way of learning.
From a fellow classmate Renee Plummer (whose parents are from Jamaica! :) )
Just remember that failures are part of life. If you don't fail, you don't learn. If you don't learn you'll never change. Change, although uncomfortable, is what's needed to grow up and learn different perspectives of life. Here's to never giving up no matter how hard it is to try.
"The one who falls and gets up is so much stronger than the one who never fell."
"Never let success get to your head and never let failure get to your heart."
Happy failing! :)
The journy continues...
Love,
Kimani
I love how authentic you are in your blogging. Stay encouraged.
ReplyDeleteThe worlds most inspirational and influential people were professional failures who used their experiences as fuel to change the world.
ReplyDeleteYou are so right that what actually crushes us is "the mask of a story we perpetuate even when it is no longer true." What a powerful statement. Having failed classes my first year (not just had to remediate, but failed so that I was ineligible for remediation or failed remediation exams), my identity was shaken to the core. However, I am still here. As much as it still makes me wince a little to admit publicly that I was unsuccessful in my first try at something, I try to take every chance I can to acknowledge my struggles instead of hide them. I welcome the time in all Bastyr ND students' lives when we realize everyone remediates something in our program & it is nothing we should let ourselves be ashamed of & nothing for which we should shame anyone else. We are all in the same struggle that in many ways is as much about the effort as it is the conclusion. I'm reminded of Albert Camus' conclusion of The Myth of Sisyphus: "The struggle itself toward the heights is enough to fill a man's heart. One must imagine Sisyphus happy."
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